A contradiction….

“What is love” … “Is this love”… “Whats love got to do with it.” . Oh my word I can carry on with all the song titles of love.

Have you ever loved someone that when you with them, nothing else matters and nothing hurts. It’s just like perfection, but with those rose tinted glasses, because when you look deep there are those cracks.

Then you wonder is love enough, can you get through the difficult times…

Those rose tinted glasses are now flashing neon pink lights, warning that maybe it’s not suppose to be and that love isn’t enough.

Parting is such sweet sorrow… Shakespear knew.

How right he was. How do you walk away from someone you completely love that been away from them hurts, nothing makes sense and feel so miserable, like your heart completely feels detached.

I honestly don’t know where to begin, or how to even fathom knowing what’s wrong yet your heart speaks differently. Keeping busy, keeping strong, writing those pros and cons lists… It’s endless at how we try but to no avail.

I still cry, I still wonder and I still over think, trying to feel alive when you alone and not ramble on in your mind of the what Ifs the buts or ands. Is it possible to love someone, knowing you may be better off without them?

It just takes a little more work, strength of a warrior and faith in healing yourself. It’s very possible even in the most impossible circumstance. Faith in God and yourself, which isn’t easy. Not a happily ever after… Just something that you know you have to deal with but not an easy task whatsoever.

Because how do fight against a heart that knows what it wants.

Heart knows what it wants, you can’t fight it or run from it. You can only hope and wish you one day wake up, healed and moving forward… Or all those moments that led you to part somehow changes and then you look and say well at least it was worth it…

How far do you take it…

I’m just saying 💔

A Little Thing Called Love…

If it’s the month of love then reflection is needed to understand the value and meaning of love.

We all know that from the 1st February we are inundated with flowers, chocolates, jewelry, cuddle toys and more reflecting a token of love and appreciation for that special someone.

So I realise I was one of those people that always complained because retailers were taking the meaning of love and affection and exploiting it for sales and profit… However, after this tragic pandemic my views somewhat have slightly altered and can honestly say yes retailers are still going to make that profit at our hearts expense, but so what..

I don’t know about you but this pandemic seems to have increased the speed at which my life is moving… where we used to fit work, family and social time in one day plus still a fitness regime and self care, it seems only time for work and work and more work.  A request for a cup of coffee seems so far out of reach these days, well for me it does…

So thinking back to the last couple valentine celebrations, I realized that’s this was maybe one of the firsts I would be spending single. Even after Clinton passed back in 2013 I was still never was alone and come to realize it that I was very blessed to have people in my life who not only got me through that time but made a special day on valentines day.

With the craziness and anxiety of what we have been living with the last year I feel it’s more important now than ever to appreciate your loved ones and that special someone… That little token of love whether it’s as simple as a chocolate from your local grocer or a diamond ring… Depending on your budget lol, if it’s going to put a smile on their faces and make them feel special and loved then why not…

1 John 4:7-12. Dear friends: let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Is this not what I been advocating for years now… God – Love!

Greatest gift given by God is Love. Love for him, ourselves and one another and through this comes the ripple effect of peace and harmony… If only it were so simple? Right?

We have in each of us the capacity to love and be loved. It’s our choice thanks to free will which again God gifted to us. We can choose to live in the fear about being hurt and it’s natural to not want to experience heart ache.. It’s inevitable though, we are going to feel it, breath it and live it and it’s going to hurt every time because that’s how we grow… You can download and make changes and grow and become the best version of yourself as if everything was peaches and cream. It’s that fear of what if and what nots, but how will you know if you don’t take that leap of faith because you never know what or who is there waiting for you.

“Nothing loved is ever lost” the infamous tattoo I display proudly on my arm… Because it’s true. I have experienced the worst loss imaginable, the one we all fear, the one we hope and pray never to have happen to us and the one we don’t even wish on our worst enemies….

Its been 8 years and I still mourn and cry and wonder and I still have those moments of life isn’t fair and I miss him greatly… But I wouldn’t change anything because he was my true love and I would never have experienced the absolute loose your heart and mind beauty of it.

To feel that love, even if it’s only once in a lifetime, and if we lucky another time because we are going to change from that broken and we going to try fix and glue ourselves up the best we can… Then we will find love again maybe not like that one true love but it’s the best and most fantastical beauty of broken bits embraced and loved by a heart that maybe endured something similar that enforced the change through growth to have the strength to love you with broken bits and all…

It’s strength in itself to have the courage to fall in love and trust another person with all of your heart… Isn’t it about having faith in God and that Love he bestowed upon us.

Just Saying…

Happy Valentines Day… I Love You!

A description of Grace your Soul needs today!

We’ve all been there… that darkness, dancing with the unwelcome demons… a place in our minds, heart and soul that feels so paralysing.  State of constant fear that grips at your soul and there is no way out…

4 years ago, when I truly believed the only way out is the harsh reality of not wanting to live another day.  Where the motivation to put one step in front of another was unthinkable and that feeling of wanting to just get lost in the bleakness forever…

Sound familiar?

Well they say you hit rock bottom when you hear that call and well I can honestly say unless you have lived through it and felt it … well all I can is “they” were right.

My experience was middle of 2017, my thought patterns where escalated to demons, death and total loss of my existence.  The constant fear that I lived with took over my life and everything I felt and saw, my thoughts, my actions, my dreams were all being tormented and controlled by this fear… so much so that my mind literally created a image of  a demon that use to sit and watch me … that’s still something very real to have experienced and witness.  I woke up with lashes ripped through my skin like I was being attacked while I slept and then I without warning just cried out for God who last I connected with was in my teens and asked him to save me. 

The reply… “You have two choices, either you carry on this path and die where I cannot save you , or, you give yourself to me and I will save you”. 

Normally I would have thought I had lost my mind but without a moments hesitation I called my mom and asked her to find me a minister. 

I have this post which my friend, minister and honestly the man who helped me through this process , who literally saved my life Dave Morgan… and just think its so apt for what we feeling and living through right now.

If anything we are tested of our faith and belief… the world is changing and throwing challenges at us daily.. the biggest this pandemic which has taken us hostage from the lives we once knew to the push and shove for us to change.  Start believing in something, God!

A description of grace your soul needs today

Dr. Jim Denison | March 6, 2018

We live in a culture that separates everyone into two categories: winners and losers.
There were twenty-four winners in Sunday night’s Academy Awards. Conversely, there were ninety-eight losers.
But at least they received nominations. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, there are 249,607 actors and other professionals in the motion picture and video production industry; almost all were excluded from the Oscars.
And yet, each of them is a winner in a way. They have a job in the film industry, unlike the multitudes who would like to work in the movies but don’t.
Meanwhile, odds are being calculated for college basketball’s “March Madness” tournament. As baseball’s spring training continues, analysts are debating who is likely to win this year’s World Series.
The underlying message is clear: if you win, you’re a winner; if you lose, you’re a loser.
“The smell of rain is grace”
Frederick Buechner is one of the most perceptive theologians I know. Consider his description of “grace,” a brief essay so insightful that it defies editing:
“After centuries of handling and mishandling, most religious words have become so shopworn nobody’s much interested anymore. Not so with grace, for some reason. Mysteriously, even derivatives like gracious and graceful still have some of the bloom left.
“Grace is something you can never get but only be given. There’s no way to earn it or deserve it or bring it about any more than you can deserve the taste of raspberries and cream or earn good looks or bring about your own birth.
“A good sleep is grace and so are good dreams. Most tears are grace. The smell of rain is grace. Somebody loving you is grace. Loving somebody is grace. Have you ever tried to love somebody?
“A crucial eccentricity of the Christian faith is the assertion that people are saved by grace. There’s nothing you have to do. There’s nothing you have to do. There’s nothing you have to do.
“The grace of God means something like: ‘Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn’t have been complete without you. Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid. I am with you. Nothing can ever separate us. It’s for you I created the universe. I love you.’
“There’s only one catch. Like any other gift, the gift of grace can be yours only if you’ll reach out and take it.
“Maybe being able to reach out and take it is a gift too” (his italics).
Resolving the dilemma of our day
Our culture is caught on the horns of a dilemma.
On one side, we applaud self-reliance. We love stories of self-made heroes and icons, from business titans like Steve Jobs, who began in their garage, to athletes like Nick Foles, who go from underdog to Super Bowl MVP. We resist the notion that we need anything from anyone, including God.
On the other side, we have embraced the fiction that since God is love, everyone goes to heaven. The mantra of our day is that all roads lead up the same mountain, so it doesn’t matter what you believe so long as you are sincere and tolerant.
Some critics of biblical Christianity complain that it makes a relationship with God too easy: “By grace you have been saved through faith” (Ephesians 2:8) seems like an evasion of personal responsibility. Other critics complain that Jesus makes a relationship with God too hard: “No one comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6) seems intolerant.
Believers can suffer from this dilemma as well. We can punish ourselves for sins God has forgiven, or we can ignore the need for confession and accountability.
Buechner addresses our confusion with one simple assertion: grace is a gift that, like all gifts, must be opened.
“Glad and generous hearts”
Imagine a church whose members lived in awestruck gratitude for the gracious love of God. Their joy in Jesus is so passionate that they must share it with others. It is so infectious that others want them to share it.
At the same time, these Christ-followers seek holiness in every dimension of their lives. They serve and live with godliness, not so they can receive grace but because they already have.
Could such a church actually exist?
“And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved” (Acts 2:42-47).

Could such a grace-receiving, grace-giving church exist today? That’s up to us, isn’t it?